Photo by Julien L on Unsplash
Subject: To Lift Your Spirits
I’m sorry, are you aware of something I’m not? I’m in fine spirits! My kids aren’t calling and my husband is out of town. My spirits so do not require lifting! Or at least they didn’t until I discovered your latest missive. Now, I’m not sure. Am I forcing my fabulous mood? Do I wish my kids would call or my husband was home? Am I lonely? Sad? Bereft of family, friends, community? No! I’m fine! Stop fucking with me, Amazon! Of course, my therapist does tell me I stuff my emotions and stick my head in the sand so, I have to wonder: Did she tell you to send this? Is this another directive to “do the work?” Shit. Now my spirits suck. What are you selling?
Subject: Which Reacher Novel Should be Filmed Next?
Reacher? Reacher? Who used my account without my permission? Have I been hacked? Dammit. Some cyber thief is out there spending my money on books I’ve never heard of. Books popular enough to be made into movies! But is there really a thief involved or is this just you, Amazon, playing on my FOMO? Sure, I had that order of “Friday Night Lights” on VHS sent next day delivery, but that was years ago! I take medication now. I don’t care about “Reacher” or what new movie might be next. Although I did almost miss out on “Big Little Lies.” That was close. Ok, ok, I’ll click.
Subject: Books We’re Talking About
Go to Hell, Amazon. I don’t care what books you’re talking about! You never said a word about mine when they came out. Oh no. Unless it’s some heartbreaking true tale of teenage orphan runaway newborns, you and your coterie of Kleenex pushers want nothing to do with it. What chance does humor even have with you people? None. Zilch. Zero! You hurt me, Amazon. And now, now I don’t care what books you’re talking about. Unless there’s something new in historical fiction. I do so love Kristin Hannah. Crap. Pass the Kleenex.
Subject: Last Chance Deals on Romance
What are you insinuating here? That I have no romance in my life? That I need a “deal” on it just to get some? I’ll have you know I have boatloads of romance in my life! My man is the king of romance. Every night I fall asleep while we’re watching the news and he wakes me up just in time for Jeopardy! He knows I don’t care for Ken Jennings, so if Mr. Smarmy is hosting, my honey cues up Mayim reruns for me immediately. Every night. Like clockwork. I’ve seen a lot of Mayim. Still have no idea why the wardrobe people don’t step in but that’s not the point. The point is that I’m romanced to within an inch of my life! Though it might be fun to see what something livelier looks like.