Woman Announces Her House is the True White House
Threatens legal action if not properly recognized
Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash
Greenwich, CT — After weeks of petulant Facebook posts decrying the “interior design lies perpetuated by The White House,” Greenwich resident Missy Bearling announced she’d pursue legal action if her home isn’t immediately recognized as the country’s true White House.
“Have you seen the inside of that thing?” she asked. “There isn’t a white wall anywhere! No white furniture either!”
When reminded that the exterior of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is white, Bearling, clad completely in neutrals, white Gucci sunglasses, and nuzzling a white bichon Poodle named Blanca, slapped the offending reporter and screamed, “Snap out of it!”
“My home is the true White House,” she commanded, leading reporters on a tour of the place that left several snow blind.
“Look around you!” she cried, oblivious to their burned corneas. “White walls, white sofas, white floors, white drapes, dishes, accessories! If you’re going to call a house The White House, it has to be white!”
“Ms. Bearling,” ventured one intrepid reporter situated smartly in the back of the room, “The White House has historical significance. It’s the ‘People’s House.’”
“Then the people in it should wear white! And be surrounded by white!” she railed. “They should sit on white furniture and work at white desks!”
Then, whisper-hissing to Blanca who, if a poodle can go pale, had indeed done so, “These heathens have no respect for ‘theme,’ do they baby? And no eye for design. And to think, they’re running the country!”
At press time, Bearling had yet to make a decision about pursuing her lawsuit because several reporters requiring cornea replacement surgery sued her first. It’s rumored a poodle has also retained counsel, but a spokesperson for the four-legged, sunglasses-deprived plaintiff could neither confirm nor deny the allegation.