This Just in from Your Local Higgly Piggly

No napping on the shelves and other rules to survive the supply shortage

Image by jeltovski via Morguefile

Attention Higgly Piggly Supermarket Shoppers!

We’d like to express our appreciation for your patience as we continue to experience delivery delays thanks to the idiot that blocked the Panama Canal. Like you, we’re praying his captain’s license is pulled and his bath toys shoved up his butt. We feel strongly about this as our bath toys are down to two mangy squirt cows and an off-brand Barney nobody wanted to begin with.

We also appreciate the concern you’ve expressed for the well-being of our empty shelves. Yes, many of them are cold, particularly aisles 11, 12, and 13, as they’re basically naked and nearest the frozen food section. Brrr.

Speaking of frozen food, the department reports its remaining items include three breakfast burritos and a half box of Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage Breakfast Bowls. They have no idea where the other half went.

Can everyone hear me? This P.A. system needs to go, and it would if not for the Panama Canal idiot incident.

In any case, all of us at Higgly Piggly want to express our appreciation for your patience and continued patronage. We’d also like to request your assistance.

While we realize the gaping spaces on our shelves are tantalizing to tired, paper product-deprived shoppers like yourselves, that’s no reason to nap on them.

We also request that you refrain from ridding your little guy of his reeking, dripping diaper on any unoccupied surface. Last week two of our three remaining air fresheners quit when they realized their branding was bullshit.

And finally, while we’re sure you have your reasons, it would be nice if you’d stop demanding your elderly mother “shut up and cop a squat” on the desolate shelves closest to the floor.

We’re proud to serve you, Higgly Piggly shoppers. With luck, we’ll soon be back to normal and rid of that off-brand Barney. If you want it, it’s yours. Just take it. But you have to take the mangy squirt cows, too.

Thank you for shopping at Higgly Piggly!

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