Things I’d Like to Say When Someone Says

I hope I look as good as you when I’m your age

Photo by Roland Denes on Unsplash

All it takes is pricey moisturizer and the self-control not to throat punch people.

Aren’t you sweet? I bought my darling niece that exact Lily Pulitzer skirt. Don’t you just adore the little pig print?

Good skin runs in my family. Plus, I sleep in formaldehyde.

Gee, thanks. You’re so lucky you can wear capris. They make most asses look enormous.

The trick is learning to go catastrophically deaf. On demand.

With manners like that, you’ll be lucky to live to my age.

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