Things I Thought About During Today’s Zoom Meeting

Why wasn't this just an email?

Engin_Akyurt / 12018 images via Morguefile

Thank you, Covid, for creating the Zoom meeting. I’m sure the people at Zoom are thrilled, but those of us trapped in what’s basically a hostage situation are anything but. Every time I get a link, I swear I lose another brain cell. And then the meeting starts and millions more evaporate – poof! – right out of what’s left of my mind.

I simply don’t have the attention span. I get bored. And my mind fills with random thoughts.

Like these:

And…it’s frozen.

I need to pee.

Will anyone notice if I run to the bathroom?

Why did I join with video? My neck looks like a redwood tree.

I like my hair, though.

This could’ve been covered in an email. Why wasn’t this an email?

Pick up the pace, people!

And…it’s frozen. Again.

God, my in-box must be bursting.

I know my bladder’s going to.

Look alive! The boss is sharing files via chat!

Hmm. Maybe he thinks this could’ve been an email too.

70-minute Zoom meeting or root canal performed by a first grader? Some of those kids can really wield an X-Acto knife.

And…it’s frozen. Again.

No fair! Two people just left the meeting.

I have Zoom-exit envy.

Is that a thing?

Maybe I just invented a thing!

I’ll be famous!

Shit. I missed what my boss was saying.

Paying attention in a Zoom meeting is like trying stave off “monkey mind” while meditating.

I suck at meditating.

But that was a pretty deep thought.

Look at me! Thinking deep thoughts AND inventing things while Zooming!

Oh no! My bladder runneth over!

I’ve got to get to the bathroom.

And get some lunch.

My brain is shot.

Dear God, why couldn’t this shit have been covered in an email?

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