Used with permission from The Graphics Fairy
February 1, 2022
Dear Social Security Administration,
I’m writing regarding a letter I just received from you. At least I think it’s from you. My husband insists it’s junk mail. Do you typically communicate using what appear to be xerox copies of xerox copies made with a Xerox machine that, from the looks of your letterhead — and I use the word loosely — died during the Carter administration?
If so, then it’s from you.
But you really need to work on your branding.
Your letter states that as of April 2017, my mother no longer qualifies for benefits. For starters, it should say that as of April 2017 my mother no longer qualified for benefits. I see we need to work on your grammar skills before we can move on to branding.
In any case, I find it odd you didn’t inform me of this sooner. Is it possible your carrier pigeon got lost? Or it took 60 months to find toner for your antique Xerox?
Whatever the reason, it would have behooved you to get in touch in, oh, April or even May of 2017, particularly since — drumroll please — you want $93,767.19 in benefits back.
And they say you people have no sense of humor.
Lucky for you, I have one too. When I reached the “How to Pay Us Back” section of your letter, specifically the spot that suggested I mail my check in the “enclosed envelope,” I nearly cried laughing.
Why?
Because there was no envelope.
I’m guessing the person who forgot to enclose it is the same person who not only didn’t tell me my mom’s benefits were cut off, but continued paying them for five years without realizing it. You know, if I made a mistake of that magnitude at my job, I wouldn’t have a job. So, I have to ask―
Is there any chance you’re hiring?
I’m great at making decisions and keeping them to myself, and I practically wrote the book on spending money willy-nilly. Just ask my husband.
Or better yet, don’t.
He might want the money back. And just like you, he’s not getting it.
Sincerely,
The Daughter from Whom You’ll Never See a Dime,
Susan