I Can See Why Chris Rock Might be Gun Shy About Performing at Next Year’s Oscars
So I'm ready to step in
I’ve been waiting my whole unfunny life for this opportunity.
Now that the thin-skinned Hollywood elite has made it beyond evident that they take themselves far too seriously to have a comedian perform at the Oscars and quite possibly poke fun at them, I have graciously offered my services for next year’s ceremony.
My specialties include:
Swooning.
“Dame Judy Dench! OMG! I need a minute to call my mom!”
Fainting.
“You’re, you’re the guy, you’re the guy from Ted!” face plant.
Mothering.
“Cry all you want, dear. I’ve got plenty of tissues in my bra.”
The Academy is 100% on board.
“You’re the people-pleasing, ass-kissing, doormat of our dreams!” they said during one of our recent calls. “Forget comedians! Those self-important tools can’t be teased. Name your price Suzy Q!”
I’m going to be rich. And famous. And those poor, delicate babies are going to be so bored.
Serves them right.