A Letter to the NFL and ESPN

I know a lot about football and I love being on TV!

Photo by Robinson Recalde on Unsplash

Dear ESPN and NFL,

Thank you for considering my application for the position of sideline reporter. I’m attaching my reel so you can see me in action.

In case you’re wondering if my sports knowledge is limited to football, I’m happy to report (look at me, reporting already!) that I know a bunch about rugby, too.

I might even know more about Hookers (yes, they’re called Hookers and yes, their moms are proud of them!) and Fly Halfs than I do about Wide Receivers and Left Tackles.

But I do know lots of stuff about football. Like how at that one Super Bowl, it was soooooo boring that a Bruno Mars concert broke out.

And I love being on TV. Never met a mic I didn’t like!

These things alone should be reason enough for you to hire me.

My knowledge of the game, unique way with words, and incredible energy will have ratings through the roof.

Let’s play my reel now, shall we?

“Welcome to Monday Night Football!

It’s the Dolphins versus the Bills on this friggin’ cold October evening at Highmark Stadium, and I’m Suzy on the Sidelines freezing my ass off and wondering why they couldn’t play this one in Tampa! Whoops! Miami!

Alright, it’s the coin toss. Heads? Tails? Who gets the ball? I’m so damn nearsighted I can’t tell! Oh, wait. It’s the Dolphins.

Go fish, go!

Ok, the big fish, number, errr, 25, has the ball! He’s running down the field! Hey, hey! No fair, three against one! Penalty! Penalty!

Ref, are you fucking blind? That’s bullying! I call bullying!

Poor guy’s got quite the owie.

Ok, we’re going for a field goal. Wait! What’s happening? They’re all after the little guy. Stop! Stop! They’re gonna squash him like a bug!

Ref! Ref! Are you fucking blind? That’s gotta be a penalty!

Oh, wait.

It was a kick return.

Still. They shouldn’t have attacked him like that.

Now the other team has the ball. It’s nice that they take turns, you know? Of course, I don’t remember what the other team’s name is.

Dolphins? Whales? Another stupid fish name? No, wait. The Bills!

The Bills have the ball and they better score and make my frostbite worth the pain!

Hey! Hey! Did you see that? Hey, you, number, errrrr, 42, you can’t grab him there! You’re not his wife!

I’m telling you, folks, we’ve got some handsy fish on the field tonight!

Oh, thank God. It’s halftime!

Now to chase those big, burly guys into the locker room, cop a squat on a nice sweaty lap, and warm up!

See you in 15, folks! I’ll be the one with the hot toddy!”

Ok, Mr. NFL and Ms. ESPN, the ball’s in your court — see? I know stuff about basketball, too! I look forward to joining you as a sideline reporter this season and no –

we don’t need to discuss compensation.

I’ll work for free, and I’ll fix your nasty scheduling problem too. Buffalo in October when Tampa — whoops! Miami is nice and toasty? That’s crazy pants!

I can start any time, though I should probably wait until the season kicks off. Look! More sports talk!

You’re gonna love me!

Sincerely,

Suzy on the Sidelines

---